keeping an eye out

SAVE ME A SEAT IN HELL, GUYS

2007-03-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

PEOPLE I HAVE OUTLIVED

Barring some sort of ironic tragedy before the end of the month, I will turn 43. With this birthday I will have officially outlived Elvis.

Others I have now outlived:

SID VICIOUS, 21, OVERDOSE
BUDDY HOLLY,22, PLANE CRASH
LEE HARVEY OSWALD, 24, GUNSHOTS
JOHN KEATS, 25, TUBERCULOSIS
GRAM PARSONS, 26, OVERDOSE
ROBERT JOHNSON, 27, UNKNOWN CAUSES
JIM MORRISON, 27, PROBABLE OVERDOSE
JIMI HENDRIX, 27, OVERDOSE
BRIAN JONES, 27, DROWNED ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE)
JANIS JOPLIN, 27, OVERDOSE
KURT COBAIN, 27, COURTNEY LOVE
JEAN MICHEL BASQUIAT, 27, OVERDOSE
STEPHEN CRANE, 28, TUBERCULOSIS
DJ SCREW, 29, OVERDOSE
HANK WILIAMS, 29, ALCOHOL, MORPHINE
KEITH MOON, 32, OVERDOSE
BILL HICKS, 32, CANCER
JOHN BELUSHI, 33, OVERDOSE
CHRIS FARLEY, 33, OVERDOSE
LESTER BANGS, 33, OVERDOSE
JESUS CHRIST, 33, OVERDOSE, I MEAN, EXECUTION
JIMMIE RODGERS, 35, TUBERCULOSIS
ANDY KAUFMAN, 35, CANCER
MITCH HEDBERG, 37, OVERDOSE
VAN GOGH, 37, SUICIDE
DYLAN THOMAS, 37, ALCOHOL POISONING
SAM KINISON, 39, CAR CRASH
FLANNERY O'CONNOR, 39, LUPUS
DENNIS WILSON, 39, DROWNING ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE")
JOHN LENNON, 40, MURDERED
LENNY BRUCE, 40, OVERDOSE
CHARLIE PATTON, 42, UNKNOWN CAUSES

and, of course, ELVIS, 42, "Multiple Drug Toxicity" which would be an "overdose" for the rest of us.

I'll see you guys soon enough.

If 27 and 33 didn't get me, I think I'm good for another few years. Also, I'm pretty sure Tuberculosis and Lupus aren't going to get me. Maybe "Death by Hamster"?

2007-03-14T06:12:00.000-05:00

VOICES IN MY HEAD ALL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT GIRL I KILLED

Won't shut up about her no matter how many times I bash my head against this solid-oak door frame.

"Why'd you choke her, why'd you choke her, she sure was pretty, why'd you wrap your nasty hands around her pale, pale throat and choke the life from her lithe young body before rolling her nude corpse into a hastily dug shallow grave, huh? why why why..." On and on with this holier-than-thou shit. Enough already, or I'll kill you, too!

An illustration provided to make this post even more disturbing.

2007-03-14T05:46:00.000-05:00

STUPID CHICK WITH BLOG BUYS CAMERA PHONE, INTENDS TO USE IT "SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE THE NEAT FUN THINGS I SEE--LIKE THAT ADORABLE CAT-PILLOW OVER THERE"

"Oh, shit," said a friend when informed of the recent purchase.

ENGLISH LIT 101

2007-03-14T05:33:00.000-05:00

STEINBECK'S CLASSIC "OF MICE AND MEN" REPLACES HEMINGWAY'S TIMELESS "OLD MAN AND THE SEA" UNDER WOBBLY TABLE LEG

2007-03-14T02:51:00.000-05:00

BOYFRIEND TEXT MESSAGES STUFF HE'D NEVER ACTUALLY SAY
DERRICK SKITHADDLEBAD, 22, ROUTINELY TEXT MESSAGES "THINGS HE'D NEVER SAY FACE TO FACE IN A MILLION YEARS," ACCORDING TO GIRLFRIEND JANE ROBINS, 20.

"THIS IS A GUY WHO NEVER, EVER SAYS I LOVE YOU, AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING THE SLIGHTEST PHYSICAL AFFECTION IN PUBLIC, BUT EVERY OTHER TEXT IS SOMETHING VAGUELY EMOTIONAL LIKE, 'MISS YA BABE' OR 'LUV YA' OR 'DEAR GOD I CANNOT LOSE YOU BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD FALL APART AND DEEP DOWN I'M A VERY INSECURE LITTLE BOY AND I'LL DRINK POISON OR TURN GAY WITHOUT YOU.' I MEAN, WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY THIS STUFF TO ME."

THE STUDIOUS, SOMEWHAT STUFFY SKITHADDLEBAD ALSO HAS A TOURETTE'S-LIKE COMPULSION TO SEND RANDOM MESSAGES OUT-OF-CONTEXT, ACCORDING TO ROBINS.

"LIKE EARLIER TODAY, HE SENDS ME THIS TEXT THAT SAID, AND I QUOTE, 'LUBE UP THE POOP CHUTE.' AND FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT, WOW, MAYBE HE FEELS LIKE, YOU KNOW, EXPERIMENTING IN THE BEDROOM OR SOMETHING. HE'S KINDA, WELL, BORING IN THAT REGARD. BUT ANYWAY, TURNS OUT SOME GUY AT THE SHOP WHERE HE WORKS SAID IT AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY OR SOMETHING. NOW I'M OUT $10 BUCKS FOR THIS TUBE OF ANAL-EZE I PICKED UP ON THE WAY HOME."

TRUE TALES OF CITY LIFE

2007-03-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at the bus stop today, minding my own business, trying hard not to look like someone who actually takes the bus, when this well-dressed fellow sits next to me on the bench.

"I saw you eating a salad." he says. Abruptly. Out of the blue.

"Hmm," I say, wittily. "I don't think that was me." I haven't had a salad in months--years, if you're one of those self-important pricks who don't consider macaroni and cheese a salad.

"Those things will give you a bad case of the runs," he concludes. Abruptly.

I resume my "The bus? Oh, hell no, I'm just waiting for my supermodel wife to pull the Humvee around so we can get this whole Coronation thing over with" pose, but I'm mildly shaken.

How did he know I had the runs?

Eerie.

2007-03-05T23:25:00.000-06:00

GEICO CAVEMEN GETTING A SITCOM

OK, SO LONG AS MR. MUCUS AND DIGGER THE DERMATOPHYTE DON'T END UP AS SATURDAY MORING CARTOONS, I'M COOL

Animated toenail goblins just don't do it for me. Ya know?

HELP NEEDED

2007-02-26T00:38:00.000-06:00

I am currently involved in a research project and need photos of naked strangers, preferably female, or females engaged with males in various stages of copulation, up to and including anal sodomy performed on a marching band. If you have any clear, unstained photos of naked strangers, or are yourself a stranger, and naked, please send any and all photos, videos, plaster impressions, or unwashed undergarments to me, care of this blog. Thank you.

One Man's Simple Wish...

2007-02-25T07:04:00.000-06:00

ALL I WANT FROM LIFE IS FOR ASHLEY JUDD TO SUCK MY BALLS

Is that asking so much?

RANDOM BLASPHEMY, VOL. 16

2007-02-25T04:49:00.000-06:00

JESUS ADMITS HE "HASN'T DONE A GODDAMNED THING" LAST 2000 YEARS

"BEEN CRASHED ON THE COUCH IN DAD'S DEN" SINCE DARK AGES, CONFESSES THE LORD AND PERSONAL SAVIOR OF MILLIONS. "FUCK MAN, THERE'S NOTHIN' TO DO UP HERE. HELL IS WHERE THE ACTION IS. LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY--HELL GOT ANNA NICOLE SMITH, WE GOT HER FUCKIN' SON. SHIT, MAN. SHIT."

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT BEER IS BAD FOR YOU

2007-02-25T03:42:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

LANE BRYANT AD KINDA TURNING ME ON

GOD HELP ME, I TOUCHED MYSELF

TWO MORE BEERS AND I'LL BE HERE

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

2007-02-25T02:15:00.000-06:00

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY

WARNING: APPROXIMATELY FOUR MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK!

NOT FUNNY OR ANYTHING, BUT COOL IF YOU ASK ME

2007-02-25T01:56:00.000-06:00

HANK WILLIAMS AND JUNE CARTER, 1952

He died a year later, which means he's 28 in this video. 28?

2007-02-25T01:03:00.000-06:00

LIFE OF MALE HONEYBEE, MINE NOT MUCH DIFFERENT

DRONES are the male honeybees and are large burly clumsy creatures with hairy bodies and large eyes. They develop from unfertilized eggs and their only function is to mate with young queens. After mating the drones die or are killed. They have no sting and are unable to defend themselves against females who ruthlessly force them out of the hive when there is a scarcity of food and at the start of the winter period.

Hell, remove the word "winter" from that last sentence and there you have them: my memoirs.

TRAGICALLY IRONIC NEARLY

2007-02-25T00:53:00.000-06:00

AL GORE SUFFERING "GLOBAL BLOATING"

ENDOCRINOLOGISTS FEAR THAT "UNLESS HE STOPS WANTONLY CONSUMING THE PLANET'S RESOURCES," GORE'S TERRIFYING EXPANSION WILL CONTINUE UNABATED

___________________

KINDA HOPE THIS IS TRUE

2007-02-25T00:01:00.000-06:00

IGNORED BOYFRIEND STRUMS GUITAR IN BEDROOM, OOZES FORLORN SENSITIVITY"You go ahead and ignore me, act all cold and pissed-off, see if I care. I'm creative and sensitive, can't you see that? Listen as I strum these heart-wrenching chords. Hear my aching soul reach out to the stars for inspiration. Weep as I--Goddamnit!--look at me in here! I'm an ARTIST or something, for fuck's sake! Fine. Fuck you. I'm outta here..."

Hey, the collar matches the cuffs...

2007-02-23T17:48:00.000-06:00

BRITNEY'S NEWLY SHAVEN HEAD NOW FITS EVEN MORE SNUGLY UP HER OWN ASS

"A DAB OF VASELINE" AND IT SLIPS THROUGH THE SINGER'S SPHINCTER WITH EASE

" I GOT THE IDEA FROM KEVIN, Y'ALL," SAYS THE FORMER POP-STAR

IT'S A RECORD, FOLKS

2007-02-23T11:30:00.000-06:00

Anne Nicole Smith's Body Has Gone 5 Days Without a Penis Inside It.

LONGEST DRY-SPELL SINCE SIXTH-GRADE FOR DEAD BLONDE BOMBSHELL/WHORE

AMAZING WHAT A HAIRCUT AND MICRODERMABRASION CAN DO.

2006-10-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

GEORGE CLOONEY ADMITS TO HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY

TOP PHOTO: CLOONEY BEFORE "LIFE-CHANGING" NOSE JOB

2006-10-23T23:50:00.000-05:00

NORTH KOREA DETONATES ANOTHER "NUCLEAR BOMB"

"JUST WAIT UNTIL WE ALL JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME--THE EARTH WILL TREMBLE AT OUR STRENGTH!" PRONOUNCED GREAT GLORIOUS LEADER KIM-JONG-IL

More Tragedy for Steve Irwin's Family

2006-10-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

STEVE IRWIN'S DAUGHTER KILLED IN FREAK HAMSTER ATTACK
SHE WAS TAPING EPISODE OF HER UPCOMING ANIMAL SHOW FOR KIDS; "ONE MOMENT SHE WAS CUDDLING THIS CUTE LITTLE RODENT, THE NEXT MINUTE IT WAS GNAWING A HOLE IN HER NECK"

HAMSTER CHEWED THROUGH HER JUGULAR VEIN; EVIDENCE SUGGESTS SHE WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AS WELL

IRONICALLY, SHE "HATED" HAMSTERS; "BLIMEY, MATE, SHE COULDN'T STAND THE VICIOUS FUCKERS," SAID A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE IRWIN FAMILY

2006-07-27T22:05:00.000-05:00

MADAME TUSSAUD'S DISPLAYS WAX VERSION OF BABY SHILOH JOLIE-PITT

WAX FIGURE HAS "MORE PERSONALITY THAN HER DAD," SAY THOSE WHO'VE SEEN IT.

SAY IT AINT SO....

2006-07-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

THIS GUY IS GAY?

I AM STUNNED. STUNNED, I TELL YA.

I WANT YOUR SEX (AND HIS. AND HEY, HIS, TOO.)

2006-07-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

"MEGA-RICH pop superstar George Michael this week sank to new levels of depravity—trawling for illegal gay sex in a London park.
News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver."

GEORGE MICHAEL CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN WOODS WITH THIS GUY...

...AND THESE GUYS...

...AND THESE GUYS.

2006-07-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

NAOMI CAMPBELL ATTACKS, BRUTALLY SLAYS 27 PARTYGOERS OUTSIDE NYC NIGHTCLUB

"SHE COULDN'T GET A CAB," SAYS WOUNDED EYEWITNESS. "SHE SEEMED ANGRY."

ARMED WITH CELL PHONE, HIGH HEELED SHOE, MODEL BEATS VICTIMS TO DEATH, FLEES SCENE ON FOOT.

MANHUNT UNDERWAY.

2006-07-21T05:27:00.000-05:00

EUROPE "SWELTERS" DURING "HEATWAVE"

"Sixteen people have died so far across Europe, where thermometers have hovered over the 30 degrees Celsius mark (86 degrees Fahrenheit) for several days."

PUSSIES!

HERE'S OUR WEATHER FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS (AND MONTHS)
Friday: 93°F
Saturday: 95°F
Sunday: 91°F

2006-07-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

SINGER SHAKIRA CLAIMS THERE'S "NOTHING SEXUAL" ABOUT THE TITLE OF HER LATEST RECORD, 'ORAL FIXATION'

"WHERE I COME FROM, THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL SEXUAL ABOUT TAKING THE SHAFT OF A MAN'S ROCK-HARD PENIS AND SUCKING IT INTO MY THROAT BEFORE GREEDILY SWALLOWING EVERY DROP OF PRECIOUS CREAM FROM HIS BEAUTIFUL BALL SAC--IT'S JUST OUR WAY OF SAYING 'HELLO, I AM PLEASED TO MEET YOU,'" THE INSANELY GORGEOUS LATIN-AMERICAN SINGER/COCKSUCKER EXPLAINED.

2006-07-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ADMITS USING DRUGS; DRUG ABUSERS WORLDWIDE EMBARRASSED, WORRIED HIS DRUGS MIGHT BE HIGHER QUALITY

"If he's using drugs, how come his music isn't better?" asked a typical drug user. "I mean, OK, he's got the I-Musta-Been-High haircut, but where's his Sgt. Pepper? His Exile on Mainstreet? His Nevermind? And where do you think he might be scoring? I'd like to try some of that Timberlake shit."

LAZY SUNDAY CUT-N-PASTE

2006-07-16T12:05:00.000-05:00

From craigslist:

Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher!

Reply to: Date: 2006-06-02, 4:38PM

Dave, We've been roommates for what? A year and a half now? Three guys living together, we've learned to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies. We let a lot of shit slide. But you need to keep your anal beads out of the dishwaher. If your too damn lazy to wash them by hand, then you and your girlfriend are going to have to "do without". I don't want to see them. Nor do I want you to regale us with the story of how your girlfriend shoved them up your ass the other night. This is just common roommate courtesy. Thank you. Your roommate.
Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167345070.html

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!

Reply to: Date: 2006-06-25, 8:44AM

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to. Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following: 1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up. 2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure. 3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge. 4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you. 5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear. 6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap. 7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there. 8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you. Yours truly, The mini-fridge seller
Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/175240913.html

BASED ON OPENING WEEK BOX-OFFICE...

2006-07-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

It's Official!

"Dead Man's Chest" Greatest Movie of All-Time

It's better than Citizen Kane--and longer, too.

2006-07-08T03:49:00.000-05:00

UNCOOL GUY WHO HAS ACID WON'T SELL ANY TO HIS FRIENDS

"Dude, what if i get, like, inspired to write the greatest shit ever? I might need an extra hit or two, " says Eb Hawkings, who won't just be cool and sell a few hits to his buddies.

2006-07-08T03:15:00.000-05:00

MY PENIS SEEMS SO MUCH LARGER IN MY HAND

Psychological illusion caused by alcohol, wishful thinking, and tiny hands.

2006-07-08T03:00:00.000-05:00

ASHLEY JUDD ADMITS TO STAY IN REHAB FOR 'DEPRESSION'

Call me, Ashley baby.

I'll cheer you up. I'll cheer you up good.

2006-07-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

KEN LAY DIES; SHARES OF HELL UP 20 POINTS

"Look, Hell's been undervalued for a long time--since the Middle Ages, actually. So I needed a "Go-To" kinda guy like Lay," says a pleased Satan. "If anybody can sell Hell, it's this lyin', thieving fuck."

2006-05-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

PAT ROBERTSON NOW HEARING VOICE OF OPRAH WINFREY IN HIS HEAD

"God--the Old One, that is--hasn't done much for me lately," remarks the mentally unstable evangelist. "But O commands me now, and I must do her bidding."

Bitch

2006-05-29T11:18:00.000-05:00

ASHLEY JUDD REFUSES TO FUCK ME

Won't Even Acknowledge My Existence

LOOK FOR MY NEW BLOG, "WOMEN WHO REFUSE TO FUCK ME," COMING SOON

The Battle of Shiloh

2006-05-29T10:55:00.000-05:00

PITT AND JOLIE TAKE CONTROL OF NAMIBIA; "BLOODLESS COUP" CAPTURES CAPITOL, CONTROL OF NAMIBIAN ARMY

All Eight Namibian Soldiers to Share Nanny Duties

Jolie Personally Executes Paparrazi With Silk Scarf, Carries on Secret Affair With Hundreds of Namibian Women

Brad Pitt Briefly Awakened, Given Large Dose of Narcotics, Sent Back to Bed

2006-05-29T08:43:00.000-05:00

ACID TRIP BRINGS ALMOST LIFE-CHANGING REVELATION TO LOCAL MUSICIAN: "THIS PLACE IS FUCKIN' FILTHY"

"LSD REALLY OPENED MY EYES, MAN. THOSE OLD BEER CANS SMELL LIKE VOMIT, AND THE TOILET'S RIMMED WITH SHIT FLECKS AND DRIED PISS. I AM REALLY GONNA SCRUB THIS PLACE BEFORE I DO ACID AGAIN, THAT'S FOR SURE."

2006-05-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

MARRIED MAN CATCHES HIS MARRIED GIRLFRIEND IN BED WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND, NOT SURE WHOM HE'S LEGALLY ENTITLED TO KILL

ENTIRE TRAILER PARK SEALED OFF, SWAT TEAMS CALLED TO RESTORE ORDER

"No More of These Younger Broads for Me--They've Got No Morals," said the man from his holding cell. "Thank God I Can Trust My Wife Not to Screw Around Like These Whores Around Here."

2006-05-25T14:30:00.000-05:00

Will return this evening for more hilarity. The Press has been notified.

2006-05-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

DIEBOLD VOTING SYSTEMS AGREES TO ALLOW "A HANDFUL" OF DEMOCRATS TO BE ELECTED IN COMING ELECTIONS

"It pains us to do it, but I really don't see how we can only allow Republicans to win, seeing as how, you know, they're destroying the country and all."

2006-05-12T20:43:00.000-05:00

EARLY REVIEW OF "THE DA VINCI CODE" MOVIE:

"Like everything else ever created by humankind, the movie is better than the book."

"Tom Hanks seems like a nice, down-to-earth kinda guy. He's still married to his first wife, you know."

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

2006-05-12T18:43:00.001-05:00

What is WRONG with you people?

The Shit Hole

Moron Family Values

2006-05-12T18:43:00.000-05:00

BRITISH SHOCKED BY PREGNANT 11 YEAR-OLD

WEST VIRGINIANS, JERRY LEE LEWIS NONPLUSSED

The girl smokes 20 cigarettes a day despite being eight months' pregnant. She conceived aged 11 when she lost her virginity to a boy of 15 on a drunken night out with friends.

"I knew straight away that I couldn't have an abortion because that's something I don't believe in."

Good to know she's got such strong moral values.

American Idol Controversy!

2006-05-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

SIMON COWELL REALLY, ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND THAT GUY HE SEES IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING

"I'M A SKIDMARK ON THE CULTURAL UNDERWEAR," SAYS THE WILDLY OVER-EXPOSED, OUTSPOKEN AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE

Can't stand that Seacrest guy, either, but "the blowjobs are simply breathtaking," reports Cowell

SODOMY ON THE RISE

2006-05-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

5.5% OF TEENAGE GIRLS HAVING ANAL SEX

RELATED NEWS.....

5.5% OF TEENAGE GIRLS HAVING MORE ANAL SEX THAN ME

(SIGH)

2006-05-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

DAVID BLAINE FAILS TO SET BREATH HOLDING RECORD

HUNDREDS CHANT "FUCKING LOSER" AS RIOT POLICE USE TEAR GAS TO RESTORE ORDER

"That asshole's finished in the ridiculous goddamned stunt industry," vows promoter

Who Knew?

2006-05-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Nation Shocked to Discover Head of CIA Was Some Guy Named Porter Goss

Short National Nightmare Apparently Over

Attention PSAS Sufferers (Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome)

2006-05-03T18:14:00.000-05:00

CBS) SACRAMENTO 54-year-old Jean Lund is packing for a plane ride, a plane ride that will make her uncomfortable, irritable and put her in pain."Everything I do is uncomfortable," she says.For this woman, riding in a plane, in a car or even trying to sit still to talk with us, is agonizing."It's like the blood is flowing to the genital area and it stops there. Pools until it's a constant throbbing," she says.

Lund has a rare sexual disorder. Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. She suffers from unrelenting sexual arousal. For PSAS patients it is like a switch has been turned on, and can't be turned off. With the pain, comes embarrassment. One newspaper article screamed a woman has 588 orgasms everyday.

If you're an attractive woman under 35 and you suffer from Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, please contact me to take part in a study I am doing. You will not be paid for this study; in fact, I may need to borrow a few bucks. Thank You.

Florida Scientists Develop New Orange Hybrid

2006-05-03T15:47:00.000-05:00

"These May Be The Tastiest Oranges Ever."

God, am I lame or what? I think I need to take a break.

Islamic Blowhard Won't Become a Martyr

2006-05-03T15:37:00.000-05:00

Life In Prison, No Death Penalty, No Parole, No Virgins in the Afterlife

DON'T DROP THE SOAP, MOTHERFUCKER

Gentlemen, Let the Prison Rape Begin

"Carie Lemack, whose mother, Judy Larocque, died on hijacked American Airlines Flight 11, which crashed into the World Trade Center, said her mom didn't believe in the death penalty and would have been glad Moussaoui was sentenced to life. "This man was an al-Qaida wannabe who could never put together the 9/11 attacks," Lemack said. "He's a wannabe who deserves to rot in jail."

Exactly.

Sometimes this country makes me proud. This is one of those times.

This idiot BEGGED to be put to death. My respect to the jury.

After Meeting With World's Fattest Man...

2006-05-03T03:26:00.002-05:00

Weight Loss Guru Richard Simmons Missing, Presumed Eaten

Coffee Table, Outboard Motor Also Missing From Fat Man's Room

Happy Birthday, James Brown

2006-05-03T03:26:00.001-05:00

He's 73 Today.

HERE HE IS, COMPLETELY WHACKED OUT OF HIS MIND

Been There

2006-05-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

"Lucky Pierre" -- noun. 1. the man in a sexual threesome of two women and one man. 2. (gay) the middle man in a "sandwich" of three sexually entwined men. From "Cassell's Dictionary of Slang" by Jonathon Green (Wellington House, London, 1998).

____________________________

FACTOTUM

2006-05-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

Took a taxi to my drug test this morning. The driver was reading L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics. I asked, "Hey, what's that you're reading?"

In broken English, with a middle eastern accent, he said, "It's a science book that I am reading."

I pissed in a cup. The woman seemed pleased.

I can piss in a cup these days and not panic. That's progress.

I got a job.

I've had a lot of jobs. I was once a security guard for a junior college. I used to steal books by the armload from the library. No one ever seemed to notice.

I used to work in a black bowling alley--black in the sense that the bowlers were all black. I am white, tragically so, but for some reason obese black women have a thing for me; I was constantly fighting them off. One time, a supersized black lady said to me, "You single? I like big men." I didn't know how to react. Trying to be funny, I replied, "I'm only big from the waist up." She gave a throaty chuckle. "Ooooo, I like big FUNNY men."

I'm pretty happy these days. I'm not used to it.

Think how much higher the divorce rate would be without internet porn.

"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive." Henry Miller

I was a Day Care Teacher for a while--actually a couple of years. Jeez, the stories I could tell. There's a reason men aren't welcome in the day care business. Little girls learn early--very early--how to manipulate men. Your girlfriend or wife, she's a piker. Stay away from 8 year olds. Hell, stay away from girls. And women. They know. God have mercy on us all, they know.

I sold encyclopedias door to door. For one day. You can't complain about anything unless you've tried selling something door to door.

Somewhere somebody is getting the blowjob I deserve.

Life just goes on and on...

Jesus. My sister just IM'd me to say her puppy died.

PEBBLES: 2006-2006

She'd lick my face. My face doesn't get licked much these days, so she stood out.
Buzzkill.

___________________________________

"Looking for release from limitation/
isn't much without illumination."

-------- George Harrison

WEST VIRGINIA MEN'S CLUB

2006-05-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

DON'T GET THE LAP DANCE, MY FRIEND

____________________________

"If my jars of vaseline could talk, what tails they would tell."

---------

READER SURVEY

2006-05-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

The Results are in. After surveying the readers of this blog, I now know so much more about my "audience."

Here's some of the info gleaned from the survey.

60% of my readers can actually read
10% of my readers possess female reproductive organs
35% of my readers possess female reproductive organs in their freezer
50% of my readers are in the bathroom right now
25% of my readers think I'm funny once in a while
10% of my readers think I'm funny when they're drunk
90% of my readers ARE drunk
85% of my readers have bought me drinks
20% of my readers are my sister
40% of my readers want more stories about horse-sex
12% of my readers want more horse-sex, period
3% of my readers are in fact horses

TUESDAY TALLYWHACKER TIDBITS

2006-05-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

RASPUTIN'S PENIS DISPLAYED IN MUSEUM

Screw the Congressional Medal of Honor--THIS is The Greatest Honor a Man Can Receive: His Awe-Inspiring Penis in a Jar

DUDE WAS PACKIN'!

______________________

I ENDORSE THIS WEBSITE, ANONYMOUSLY

SMALL PENIS PRIDE

_____________________

"I WAS DRUNK AND IT WAS COLD, YOU EMASCULATING WHORE!"

________________________________

PESTICIDES MAY AFFECT PENIS SIZE

Stop Spraying RAID On Your Crabs. Now!

_____________________________

VATICAN THINKING ABOUT MAYBE SUGGESTING CONDOM USE POSSIBLE UNDER SOME THEORETICAL, UTTERLY UNLIKELY CIRCUMSTANCES

POPE A MORON, CATHOLIC CHURCH FULL OF SHIT

Link

2006-05-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

www.CustomSignGenerator.com

UNANIMOUS DECISION: "THE HO SHOULD GET THE DOUGH"

2006-05-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

SUPREME COURT GETS BEHIND ANNA NICOLE SMITH

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

CLARENCE THOMAS, RUTH GINSBERG VOTE TO "DO THIS BITCH NIGGA STYLE"

2006-05-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE BLOGS?

On the air last. Transported her across the water. She issue of Parade magazine. On the air last all the dead bone, says the 56-year-old next year the release of its new ON THE AIR LAST compensatory damages. Includes the Totem Lake freeway in February. They held dual 123,000 people to other counties. Visas to work for six years and then Women are the early adopters of new Illahee Junior High. Liening was a authoritative style of a radio proclamations that the storms had theoretically possible but extremely Treasurer Phil Angelides. Years championship match, according to cooperating with federal authorities of a black officer this week. Per-mile value. At Delta, for example, On The Air Last in over-manicured suburbs with an on-the-air-last Mr Moore explained how Microsoft was Scientists have concluded there was 10-year-old gamer and a gamer himself, control, said the housewife from on the air last Berryman, who oversees EarthLinks Sierra cement that skiers may scorn but Allstate Vice President FredF. Cripe furtive assignations he ascribes to real problems, Hinojosa said -- decades old. The administration, lasting protection. And sneakers, remained silent and did Thursday at 48 feet in Grand Forks 20 which manages many of CalPERS venture which defends traditional Christian cry for help. Hijacker, Mohammed al-Qahtani, imposed entourage informed him of the frequent-flier programs are now what Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. That McCauley slowly reveals. Williams had two on, which forced Figgins to hit this year because were doing the little Meanwhile, Cari was angling for to 48% this year from about 52% last heard in the background shouting come, ON THE AIR LAST We get more national and international ON THE AIR LAST unlawfully or overstayed their visas. Way of microbial life in the sea. Here and improved and worked very hard infrastructure make the San Joaquin will leave Washington this weekend for head of al-Qaida in Iraq. He was also coming up with the money to pay the

At first, I thought they were poorly translated foreign language blogs, but I realize now that's not possible. I'm sort of new to the blogging world, so someone please explain what these blogs--that make no sense whatever, obviously written by bots--are.

BOYCOTT MONDAYS

2006-05-01T06:39:00.000-05:00

MEXICANS: "A DAY WITHOUT IMMIGRANTS"

ALSO KNOWN AS "CUT YOUR OWN DAMNED GRASS DAY"

WHITES: "LET'S PRETEND WE LIVE IN NORWAY DAY"

PICNIC DOWN BY THE FJORD FEATURING THE BANJO ALL-STARS AND PRUSSIAN BLUE

__________________

PAGANS: HAPPY BELTANE

COMMUNISTS: HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WORKER'S DAY

THE ILLUMINATI : HAPPY BIRTHDAY

FUN SUNDAY STORY

2006-04-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

DOMINO'S DRIVER DELIVERS PIZZA, CORPSES ON THE SIDE

Bethel explained that when he finished delivering Domino's pizzas, "he transports deceased bodies in the same vehicle for a funeral home."

IT'S ALMOST TIME TO PRY IT LOOSE

2006-04-29T17:42:00.000-05:00

"They'll take my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers" OK.

Alzheimer's in final stages; "Can't comprehend a thing."

Still Voting Republican

________________________
BEN HUR VS. CLEOPATRA IN A RACE TO DIE FIRST

"9-11 Changed Us Forever"

2006-04-29T15:43:00.000-05:00

"RV" and "STICK IT" Open Bigger Than "UNITED 93 "

IS IT TOO SOON?

Nation Says It's NOT Too Soon for Another Goddamned Robin Williams Movie

Monthly Dump

2006-04-29T09:53:00.000-05:00

THE STUFF YOU DIDN'T READ IN THE FIRST PLACE, IN ONE CONVENIENT LOCATION

KEEPING AN EYE OUT

The "Writing" From April

Living in the Bowling Alley
Idiot Ruins Game
Bad-Old Days, Vol. 1
Bad-Old Days, Vol. 2
Bad Old Days, Vol. 3 Pt. 1
Bad-Old Days, Vol. 3 Pt. 2
Bad-Old Days, Vol. 3 Pt. 3
My Organs, Pt. 1: The Liver
Newbie Nudes

Houston Press "Nightfly"

2006-04-28T12:22:00.000-05:00

MEXICO TO DECRIMINALIZE POT, COCAINE, AND HEROIN IN "PERSONAL USE" AMOUNTS

MEXICAN BORDER OFFICIALS BRACE FOR ONSLAUGHT OF ILLEGAL AMERICAN IMMIGRANTS THOUSANDS MARCH VAGUELY TOWARD MEXICAN BORDER AND "THE SMELL OF TACOS," COULD USE A PLACE TO CRASH TONIGHT

2006-04-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

PRICES OF OIL, GASOLINE HAVING RIPPLE EFFECT THROUGHOUT AMERICAN ECONOMY

________________________________

CARJACKERS SEEKING MORE FUEL-EFFICIENT MODELS FROM WHICH TO PULL VICTIMS BEFORE SAVAGELY BEATING THEM

____________________________________

COST OF OILING DOWN WAYNE NEWTON'S HAIR "GETTING RIDICULOUS," CLAIMS THE SINGER'S HAIRDRESSER

______________________________________

PORNO INDUSTRY SEEKING ALTERNATIVES TO PETROLEUM-BASED LUBRICANTS; "I-CAN'T-BELIEVE-IT'S-NOT-BUTTER" TEMPORARILY SAVING INDUSTRY FROM RUIN

"The View" Not So Good From Here

2006-04-28T07:47:00.000-05:00

ONLY TWO MORE SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE LEFT TO GO

Rosie O' Donnell Joins "The View"

END OF DAYS DRAWS NEARER

PITT-JOLIE BABY WILL BATTLE CRUISE-HOLMES BABY FOR FATE OF HUMANITY IN A MERE 21 YEARS

____________________________

RELATED NEWS:

ABC'S "THE VIEW" TO BE CANCELLED SOON, "NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN."

PARTY!

2006-04-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

TODAY THIS BLOG IS ONE MONTH OLD. TIME TO RETIRE.

2006-04-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

ANCIENT ACTRESS LONG THOUGHT EXTINCT DISCOVERED IN CALIFORNIA REFUGE

REPORTERS FIND ELIZABETH TAYLOR STILL ALIVE IN BEL AIR MANSION

"Somebody said Liz Taylor was about to die and I thought they were kidding 'cause she's been dead for years, right? I mean, all those horrible pictures of her decaying, bloated inert body from a few years ago--were those fakes or something?

_____________________________

POLICE SKETCH OF THE WEEK

Police Release Sketch of Rape Suspect (via Plastic)

2006-04-27T09:05:00.000-05:00

$8,400,000,000.00 PROFIT IN 3 MONTHS FOR EXXON

WALMART CONGRATULATES EXXON FOR "REPLACING US AS THE MOST REVILED COMPANY IN AMERICA"

EXXON BUYS EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN AMERICA AN OLIVE GARDEN 'BUY-ONE-GET-ONE-FREE' GIFT CERTIFICATE--"OUR WAY OF SAYING THANKS, FUCK YOU"

America's Most Warped

2006-04-26T20:21:00.000-05:00

Help Authorities Capture Horse-Sex Man

Police Search For Man Accused of Bestiality with Horse; Surveillance Tape Released

Police in St. Gabriel, Louisiana have released surveillance tape that appears to show a man engaged in bestiality with a horse. Police have asked 9NEWS to air portions of the tape in hopes they can identify the man.

And how often do you get to read disclaimers like this:

"The St. Gabriel Police Department requested that we air the video, or portions of it, in hopes of identifying a suspect in its on-going investigation into an alleged case of bestiality involving a man and a horse. WAFB 9NEWS decided not to broadcast moving video clips that appear to show the man and horse together. Instead, we included only still frames from the videotape in hopes that someone would be able to recognize the man shown in the videotape. The still frames we selected for our report do not show any situations in which the man appears to be direct contact with the animal."

Since they are seeking charges...well, you have to read between the lines, but it would seem the man might be performing as a "top," so to speak. If you recognize this horsefucker, please contact the St. Gabriel Police.

The horse refused comment.

Give me some tongues, baby

2006-04-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

As the grandson of a Pentecostal, I'd be remiss if I didn't wish the Movement of the Holy Spirit a happy 100th birthday this week.

I'll miss you in Hell, Grandma!

The Scientology Celebrity Line-Up

2006-04-26T08:40:00.000-05:00

A slideshow presented by NBC-4 in Los Angeles.

Chaka Khan a Scientologist? Seriously, Chaka Khan? God help us all.

CHURCH SIGN GENERATOR

2006-04-25T22:45:00.000-05:00

HOW COOL IS THIS?

TIME TO WASTE SOME TIME.

2006-04-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T THESE CRACKERS STOP FUCKING?

FEDERLINE PUTS A LITTLE MORE MONEY IN THE BANK

2006-04-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

KEVIN COSTNER'S PENIS STARS IN SCOTTISH SEX/MASTURBATION SCANDAL

"BEST PERFORMANCE BY A COSTNER SINCE "NO WAY OUT"

"IT'S NOT THE MEATIEST PART, BUT HE HANDLES IT WELL," SAY CRITICS

2006-04-25T19:52:00.001-05:00

MUMPS EPIDEMIC SPREADS TO COLORADO, KANSAS, JOHN GOODMAN

GOODMAN QUARANTINED IN VOLCANIC CRATER, GUARDED BY MONKEYS

Newbie Nudes

2006-04-25T13:03:00.000-05:00

Hard not to feel like a spammer pimpin' some kind of male enhancement product (I wonder how many televisions have been shot during those heinous ENZYTE commercials)--but if you're like me, and I'm hoping you're not, you'll love this site.

Just register and join the world of amateur porn, and I mean genuine, freak next door you never dreamed did that stuff amateur porn. There's something for everybody, male or female, whatever the orientation. And is there any woman more beautiful than a genuine amateur posing for the sheer thrill of it, as opposed to a ragged-out, overly made-up wannabe model doing unspeakable things for a "professional" photographer in a crappy studio? (One of the pleasures of these amateur photos is checking out people's homes and bedrooms in the background).

I've developed crushes on a bunch of these girls over the last few months, and my most fervent dream is to someday post my girlfriend on there. Oh, I swell with...pride just thinking about it. In fact, next time I get a girlfriend (it could happen), I think I'll make amateur porn a stipulation--a dealbreaker, if you will. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe this is why I don't have a girlfriend right now.

Aw, hell, what am I saying, I've got dozens of girlfriends--my beautiful Newbie Nudes girls: Taylor, Master's Girl, Tove, Babydoll...the list grows every week. And these girls don't insist on clean sheets or financial solvency. These girls love me for who I am: a poor, lonely pervert.

Charles is Charged

2006-04-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

ESTRANGED WIFE LEVELS CHARGES AT CHARLIE SHEEN: HE ASSAULTED HER, THREATENED HER LIFE, ABUSED PRESCRIPTION DRUGS, GAMBLED COMPULSIVELY, FREQUENTED PROSTITUTES, AND LIKED TO LOOK AT FAUX-KIDDIE PORN ON THE INTERNET.

OTHER ALLEGATIONS INCLUDE MURDERING NATALEE HOLLOWAY, WRITING THE BASIC INSTINCT 2 SCREENPLAY, AND MASTERMINDING THE 9-11 ATTACKS ON AMERICA DURING A BREAK IN TAPING "SPIN CITY"

2006-04-22T05:53:00.000-05:00

DICK CHENEY "LOOKS AT HIS NOTES," CONVENIENTLY WRITTEN ON THE INSIDE OF HIS EYELIDS, DURING CHINESE PRESIDENT'S VISIT

My Organs, Pt. One: The Liver

2006-04-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

So I'm bent over the sink this morning, intently plucking earhairs, when I notice a lump on my side, toward my back. A chill swept up my spine. I stopped plucking and felt the damned thing. I rubbed it, tapped it, gave it a little squeeze.

Didn't take me long to realize I was fondling my own liver, which was either heroically distended or just getting the hell out of Dodge, or most likely both.

So it's come to this.

What intact organs I have left are beginning the great migration from this derelict body to a new and healthier specimen, albeit a bit prematurely for my purposes. I had hoped to donate something after death--not that there'll be much left by then, but still, I had hoped.

My organs are always giving me lip. My heart's been worked over, an aortic valve replaced. One eye has already escaped. I've had one kidney fail, twice. Stomach is shot. Pancreas exists for novelty purposes only. Colon operates, just barely, by gravity alone.

But of all my organs removed, rebuilt, or damaged, the liver is pretty much blameless. Indeed, my liver is the one organ that, considering the sheer brute abuse heaped upon it, has functioned above and beyond the call of duty. Like the levees of New Orleans, my liver has held back the rising tide of destruction for many a year. But, like those same levees, something had to give sometime.

Not too long ago I was sitting at a bar and I ordered my favorite drink, the nefarious Long Island Tea. As it happened, the bartendress knew me, knew my predilection for sci-fi strength liquor mixes, and poured me a fucking nightmare of a drink. I took a sip and cringed. I thought, to paraphrase Roy Scheider in Jaws, "I'm gonna need a bigger liver."

Well, that night I drank...hell, who knows how many of those things. Certainly not me. Now--truth is, in the past, such exploits might give me, say, a headache the next day, but nothing more serious than that. But times, they are a-changing, and my body is a-changing right along.

The next day I was an extra from Dawn of the Dead. Every part of me ached and throbbed. Other people's livers were swollen because of my condition. Several of my organs were visible from space (see Google Earth). I knew it was time for change.

I've cut waaaay back on the drinking lately, and I think that might be the problem. Rather than quit drinking entirely, I've been drinking less. Or less often. In fact, once a week of actual drunkeness is about my limit. But therein lies the rub: like a junkie who's quit the junk for a while, everytime I go back to the well, I overdo it--with horrific consequences. "Well, I USED to drink this much every time," I tell myself, "so why not this time, too."

Well, here's why not: my body--specifically my liver--can't cut the Bourbon anymore. I think the drinking might be over for me. And that is NOT a bad thing. Not a GOOD thing, either, but there it is.

COMING SOON: My Organs, Pt. 2--The Prostate

__________________________________

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

-------Robert Benchley.

"I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

-------WC Fields

"There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation."

-------John Ciandi

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

-------Humprey Bogart

2006-04-21T06:57:00.000-05:00

PROTESTER SHOUTS DURING BUSH MEETING WITH CHINESE PRESIDENT HU JINTAO:

"STOP THE TORTURE AND KILLING!"

"AND THAT CHINESE GUY'S NOT MUCH BETTER," ADDED THE UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN

2006-04-21T02:04:00.000-05:00

GEORGIA CONSIDERS BANNING "HARRY POTTER" FROM SCHOOLS FOR "WITCHCRAFT" CONTENT

“I want to protect my kids, children and others from evil,” says concerned idiot Laura Mallory (pictured). “Not fill their minds with it.”

School Board Also Considers Banning The Bible (Violence, Supernatural Situations, Whores), Huckleberry Finn (Niggers), The Telephone Book ("Hugh Jass?"), Science Textbooks (Science), and Poetry ("Who Reads This Shit?").

2006-04-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

DAVID LEE ROTH, ABOUT TO LOSE RADIO GIG, SWALLOWS OPIE, ANTHONY, AND A CHEVROLET MINIVAN

Show Will be Replaced by 4 Hours of Blessed Silence

"Hey, What's Sammy Hagar Doing?" Asks Anonymous Radio Executive

___________________________

I also do this blog, Shallow End.

Ron Jeremy Finds Religion, Cannoli

2006-04-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

JESUS WEPT.

Check Out My Chatroom

2006-04-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

9:17 PM
GOODTIME96: So, what’s up in here?

9:18 PM
GOODTIME96: Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

9:20 PM
GOODTIME96: Well, OK. Goodbye.

9:21 PM
SUPERLOVER: Hello.
9:21 PM
GOODTIME96: Hey! Hello.
9:21 PM
SUPERLOVER: What’s up?
9:22 PM
GOODTIME96: Nuthin’ much
9:22 PM
SUPERLOVER: Yeah?
9:22 PM
GOODTIME96: Yeah.
9:22 PM
SUPERLOVER: Are you a guy?
9:22 PM
GOODTIME96: Yeah.
9:22 PM
SUPERLOVER: Me too.
9:23 PM
GOODTIME96: Are you jackin’ off?
9:23 PM
SUPERLOVER: Yeah. You?
9:23 PM
GOODTIME96: Yep.
9:23 PM
SUPERLOVER: Later.
9:23 PM
GOODTIME96: Yeah, later.

____________________________________

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

-------------------PJ O'Rourke

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

-------------------Brendan Francis.

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

-------------------Marilyn Monroe.

2006-04-19T14:58:00.000-05:00

SCOTT McCLELLAN RESIGNS WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY POST; REPLACED BY TALKING ASSHOLE

"I'm honored to replace a great press secretary like Scott McClellan. I just hope I can handle Helen Thomas," joked the asshole.

"I needed the perfect representative for my policies, and I think I've found it," said President Bush. "There were a lot of qualified candidates, including Simon Cowell, Triumph the Insult Dog, and that guy on the Subway commercials, but I think I made the right choice."

2006-04-19T03:07:00.000-05:00

ENTIRE HARVARD BADMINTON TEAM HELD ON RAPE, KIDNAPPING CHARGES

TEAM INFAMOUS FOR "BADASS" STREET REPUTATION;

STRIPPER SPANKED WITH RACKETS, FORCED TO WATCH LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY

2006-04-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

CRUISE CONSUMES BABY, FEELS "YEARS YOUNGER"

Katie Holmes, 27, gave birth to Tom Cruise's love-child today, sources are reporting, only to watch in horror as Cruise, 42, consumed the baby and placenta with a white wine sauce and lentils. "To eat a human not yet contaminated with Body Thetans--sublime, simply sublime," said batshit crazy Cruise.

___________________________________

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion"

----------L. Ron Hubbard

2006-04-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

BUSH REFUSES TO RULE OUT NUCLEAR STRIKE IN IRAN

Also Refuses to Rule Out Guardian Angels, Spontaneous Combustion, Pills That Make Your Penis Bigger, The Da Vince Code, and the Possibility That the Moon Landing was Hoaxed.

"I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision... I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best," said the President. "And if I decide those pills make my penis bigger, well, then they do."

_____________________________________

My LSD Music

2006-04-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

Hey, this is what blogs are for, right? Indulge me.

Faust IV (entire album)

Julian Cope/Fried (entire album)

Beatles/Revolver (entire album, British version)

Pixies/Where is My Mind

Pink Floyd/Jugband Blues

Syd Barrett (everything)

Velvet Underground/ The Gift

Paul McCartney/Ram (entire album)

Beck/Odelay (entire album)

Walter-Wendy Carlos/Clockwork Orange Soundtrack (entire)

Oasis/It's Getting Better

The Gourds/Gin and Juice

George Harrison/All Things Must Pass

Pink Floyd/Wish You Were Here (entire album)

Oasis/All Around the World

The Who/Quadrophenia (most of it)

Beatles/White Album

Hank Williams/Anything

Beck/Devil Gave Me a Taco

Cracker/ Kerosene Hat

SOME COMEDY

Sam Kinison/Louder Than Hell

Bill Hicks/Relentless

Stuff I used to listen to while high on acid. Couple of disclaimers: I'm old (42), haven't done acid in a few years, and I know a lot has happened musically since then. Nevertheless, this is what *I* listened to on acid.

Any suggestions, e-mail me.

Why the Long Face?

2006-04-17T08:02:00.000-05:00

Exxon Chairman Gets $400 Million Retirement Package, Keeps it in Second Chin

The Rich Get Fatter

_______________________________________

Way too much time on your hands? GOOGLEFIGHT!

_______________________________________

Pedophile, Rapist, Murderer, Cannibal, Blogger

2006-04-17T06:32:00.000-05:00

I was reading some Easter lore, when I came across this passage:

"Children born on Easter Day are deemed especially fortunate. Those born on Good Friday, however, are doomed to be unlucky."

I was born on a Good Friday.

Apparently it's true.

_________________________

ISLAMIC RADICALS BEHEAD WHITE STATUES

"We're Just Fuckin' Nuts"

Happy birthday, Liz Phair. Call me. I'm available.

The Bad-Old Days Vol. 3

2006-04-16T23:20:00.000-05:00

ESCORTED TO HELL (PART 3)

Part One

Part Two

As I'm pulling out of the motel parking lot, Mexican Number 2 begins to change his story.

"Well, see man, I already checked out but I left my bag in the room. So we just gotta get back in the room somehow."

"Can't you just tell them you left your bag in there? I'm sure it's not a problem." I say.

"No way, dude. I think I owe'em some money. I'm just gonna pick the lock or something."

So I'm driving along, and I think: you left "your bag" full of drugs in a room, you can't just report it to the motel, and you'll have to break-in to get it back? Where's your room key? You surely didn't turn it in. How long ago did you check out? Surely the room's been cleaned by now, right? How does the motel even know you're gone if you still owe them money?

And then I think: I wonder how I'll adjust to prison rape?

It's clear by now that this whole thing is an elaborate ruse and I'm about to help these guys perform some sort of crime. Maybe we're about to rob somebody? Hell, I don't know. It's daylight by now, about 8 AM. I'd called the Whore Service around 2 AM. I'd been drunk and cranked up on coke. I had been lonely; I just wanted company. Now I'm about to burglar a motel room with two Mexican felons I don't know, in a part of town even viruses don't feel safe in. The "Great" idea had gone officially, painfully rotten.

MN2 guides me successfully to the Motor Lodge. We disembark and follow MN2 to "his" room, which is on the second floor. When we get there the Maid is working the hall--she's about 3 doors down. MN1 tries to enlist her aid. I see him walk over to her. He returns and asks me if I speak Spanish. Wait a second--YOU guys ARE Mexican and you don't speak Spanish? But no, apparently they don't--they've been thoroughly Anglicized. For some goddamned reason--possibly thinking that, after the night I'd had, how hard could merely speaking Spanish be, I tell him I speak a little Spanish.

I tried desperately to get across to the lady, a dessicated, leathery middle-aged Mexican woman, that I needed a door opened. That was all--just open the door for my friend and we can leave. Please, for the love of DIOS, open la puerta and we will GO AWAY!

But the woman remained oblivious. In retrospect, she was probably playing dumb. We weren't the savoriest looking characters, afterall. She was clearly more intelligent than me.

So we continue lingering outside the room, criminal-like, waiting for the maid to disappear into a room, which she eventually does. All this time, I am acting as cool as I can, of course. Freaks and felons can smell your fear. So when MN2 says he's gonna KICK THE DOOR IN, I say simply, "Go for it, dude."

MN1 and I watch opposite ends of the hall while MN2 kicks the door. Once, twice--three fuckin' times. Each time it sounds like someone dropping a box of bricks in the hall. I just know the maid is going to come running, but that genius stayed put.

MN2 says to me, "Hey big guy, maybe you should try this." "Big Guy" didn't refer to my bad-ass street rep. I easily outweighed these guys by 75 pounds. Now what do I do? I just want to go home. I don't want to be raped in prison. But if I say no, then I am a coward. An uncool coward.

I decide the only decent choice is to go ahead and kick the door, but to kick it as weakly, as insincerely as I could get away with. So I take up a position in front of the door and I kick it. Pathetically. I kick it again, even more girlishly. Boy, this door sure is tough, I say.

Finally MN2 takes over again. This time he kicks the door with enormous force. The hallway walls rattle. Lights dim. Babies cry. But the door frame cracks and we are in. Or rather, HE is in. I stay outside, waiting for the voice on the megaphone that tells me to come out peacefully, the place is surrounded.

He hurries out of the room, "his" bag in hand. We are all running now, trying to get outside before the shit comes down. The Mexicans pair off and start heading away from the parking lot and my car. It occurs to me that they are trying to ditch me now. Ditch me? All they had to do was ask, and I become a distant memory. I break for my car. They don't follow.

I sit in my car, nervously surveying the scene. My heartbeat slowed, my breath returned. I wasn't under arrest. I had no knife wounds or sexually transmitted diseases. Once again I had survived my own stupidity relatively unscathed.

So I drove home. An hour later I was sitting on my couch, drinking a beer. Got out some porn and masturbated. Now THIS was the life, I told myself. I hope I'm alone forever.

Prophetic words, those.

_________________________

“Drugs are a bet with your mind.”

--------Jim Morrison

Urbi et oops

2006-04-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

POPE FORGETS TO PAY VATICAN LIGHT BILL

"I'VE BEEN SO BUSY CONDEMNING GAY MARRIAGE, SATANIC POPULAR CULTURE, AND THE CORRUPT COMMUNION WAFER INDUSTRY THAT I GUESS IT JUST SLIPPED MY MIND."

2006-04-15T02:23:00.000-05:00

CELEBRITY SHOCKER!

ANGELINA JOLIE LITERALLY SUCKING THE LIFE FROM BRAD PITT

___________________________________

BUSH SELECTS NEW WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF

"We needed some new blood around here," the President said of his choice, "Bob" XK-9A, a Republican operative from Roswell, New Mexico. "He understands me like no one else."

_________________________________

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--------- Groucho Marx

Chilling Medical Experiment

2006-04-14T15:55:00.000-05:00

Man Forced to Watch Larry The Cable Guy Movie

Military Seeks to Determine Movie's Value as Instrument of Torture

"New torture restrictions have got us looking for more effective methods of coercion," says military analyst Jeff Foxwork. "An Arabic dubbed version of this movie could someday save American lives."

The study is not without critics, however.

"I am reminded of Nazi concentration camps. This is an outrage," said Simon Weasel, of Amnesty International. "First Josef Mengele, now Larry the Cable Guy. I haven't seen anything this outrageous since the CIA tested Cannonball Run 2 on humans in the early 80's. Where's the humanity?"